5 Silly Things I Miss

5 Silly Things I Miss Because Of Lyme Disease

Even though the big stuff--fatigue, memory loss, seizures--are what makes Lyme so debilitating, 

sometimes it's the small things that I really miss the most.

5. Blow drying my hair

I'm not sure if this is more a result of the fatigue or just my muscle atrophy after several years of barely being able to move (much less exercise), but it's been months since I've been able to lift a blow drier over my head long enough to dry my hair.

4. Snacking

My medication schedule is so strictly regimented that I have very small windows of time throughout the day during which I am allowed to eat. I get 3 meals a day with 4-5 hour gaps between each during which time I am trying to squeeze in all the meds and supplements that need to be taken "away from food." And if for some reason I didn't eat enough at one meal (for instance, i ran out of energy to prepare more food), I just have to wait those long 5 hours, or else eat again and start the countdown all over again.

3. Driving

With the increasing frequency of symptoms like seizures and vision loss, I have had to completely stop driving during the last month or so. In addition to the serious inconvenience of having to get a ride to places like the grocery store on a regular basis, what I really miss is just the independence of being able to go out when I need a change of scenery or browse around a store just to get inspired about new things to try at home without worrying about keeping my ride waiting.

2. Glassware

You have probably heard at least a few of my stories of kitchen accidents. Whether it's memory lapses, like leaving the pyrex dish on the stove and accidentally turning on the wrong burner, or sheer clumsiness, like knocking over the wine glass, or the french press, or the coffee mug... point being, our house has suffered an inordinate amount of broken glass. To try and prevent more mishaps, I've tried to wean myself off using glassware whenever possible. I bought a bunch of plastic cups and bowls and am trying to habituate myself out of using the glasses unless absolutely necessary. I know it's for a good cause, but gosh it's frustrating to feel like a little kid who can't be trusted with the grown up dishes!

1. Dessert

There are things I love about my diet restrictions--eating more fruits and veggies, drinking a protein shake every day (I love the low-maintenance predictability!), and even the forced creativity to come up with new ways to eat things like beans and carrots every single day without getting sick of them!--but I do desperately miss being able to treat myself at the end of a hard day with a cookie or a big piece of cheesecake. I have never been particularly over-indulgent, but I never realized how much I took for granted the ability to treat myself every once in a while.

When it rains...

They say that when it rains, it pours. I find it a very odd quality about life that it really does seem that when bad things happen, they happen all at once. Perhaps, from a psychological standpoint, it is really the case that we are more prone to noticing all the bad things when we are already dealing with another. Or perhaps, on some level, it seems easier to tackle more problems when one is already in "crisis mode" and so we attempt to get them all over with at once. Perhaps, it is just often the case that whatever we are supposed to learn from our problems, we can only learn if the trial is overwhelming and the pain is significant. Whatever the case may be, I cannot deny how often it feels like it's just one thing after another.

I know this update is long overdue. It's been a month, almost to the day, since I've managed to sit down and reflect on my progress, or lack thereof, with this ridiculous illness. This is largely due to the fact that every time I try to think about things lately I get so completely overwhelmed that I can't seem to sort it out, much less document it in a way other people could make sense of.

A lot of great things have happened over the last month. I was extremely blessed by an unexpected visit from my dad a few weeks ago, which was followed shortly after by a visit from my mom and two sisters. It is always so great to have time with my family. I miss them all so much. I also completed (semi-successfully) another tax season with H&R Block and was honored with a pin for 3 years of service with the company. Oh my gosh what a relief it was when April 17th finally arrived and I knew I didn't have to keep stressing every day over whether or not I was going to make it into work! And it wouldn't be fair not to include that fact that, really for the first time in years, we have started to develop a real community of very present friends, largely due to the amazing people in our Life Group as well as a few other key people who have gone out of their way to demonstrate kindness and concern for us. In so many ways we are very blessed.

But as terrible as it is to say, the truth is even blessings often come with added stresses. I am being reminded lately how much having a group of friends also means constantly being invited to things that, no matter how much I want to, I just can't be a part of. Finishing my job means less money coming in, even if it wasn't that much to begin with. Even having my family here sometimes served as a reminder of how poor a job I am doing trying to care for myself when they aren't around and how abnormal my life is.

And then the universe throws some extra cherries on top. My husband lost one of his jobs last month, so the already serious financial problems have just gotten that much worse. My symptoms, both physical and psychological, seem to be getting worse. In addition to the typical Lyme issues, last week I got to add on an excruciating weekend of severe abdominal pain. After spending almost 5 hours doing tests at the hospital, it was determined that it was probably either a kidney stone or a problem with my birth control. Just because I didn't have enough going on right now. And, not surprisingly, a time with this much stress and uncertainty puts a great deal of strain on my marriage, enough so that I will probably get to add marriage counselling to my list of things to do very soon.

It's times like this when I find myself most prone to just lying on the couch staring at the ceiling and asking God, "Why?" I don't understand where grace is in all of this. I know that this is temporary and maybe eventually I will look back and understand. Right now I'm just hoping I can figure out how to make it until then.