When it rains...

They say that when it rains, it pours. I find it a very odd quality about life that it really does seem that when bad things happen, they happen all at once. Perhaps, from a psychological standpoint, it is really the case that we are more prone to noticing all the bad things when we are already dealing with another. Or perhaps, on some level, it seems easier to tackle more problems when one is already in "crisis mode" and so we attempt to get them all over with at once. Perhaps, it is just often the case that whatever we are supposed to learn from our problems, we can only learn if the trial is overwhelming and the pain is significant. Whatever the case may be, I cannot deny how often it feels like it's just one thing after another.

I know this update is long overdue. It's been a month, almost to the day, since I've managed to sit down and reflect on my progress, or lack thereof, with this ridiculous illness. This is largely due to the fact that every time I try to think about things lately I get so completely overwhelmed that I can't seem to sort it out, much less document it in a way other people could make sense of.

A lot of great things have happened over the last month. I was extremely blessed by an unexpected visit from my dad a few weeks ago, which was followed shortly after by a visit from my mom and two sisters. It is always so great to have time with my family. I miss them all so much. I also completed (semi-successfully) another tax season with H&R Block and was honored with a pin for 3 years of service with the company. Oh my gosh what a relief it was when April 17th finally arrived and I knew I didn't have to keep stressing every day over whether or not I was going to make it into work! And it wouldn't be fair not to include that fact that, really for the first time in years, we have started to develop a real community of very present friends, largely due to the amazing people in our Life Group as well as a few other key people who have gone out of their way to demonstrate kindness and concern for us. In so many ways we are very blessed.

But as terrible as it is to say, the truth is even blessings often come with added stresses. I am being reminded lately how much having a group of friends also means constantly being invited to things that, no matter how much I want to, I just can't be a part of. Finishing my job means less money coming in, even if it wasn't that much to begin with. Even having my family here sometimes served as a reminder of how poor a job I am doing trying to care for myself when they aren't around and how abnormal my life is.

And then the universe throws some extra cherries on top. My husband lost one of his jobs last month, so the already serious financial problems have just gotten that much worse. My symptoms, both physical and psychological, seem to be getting worse. In addition to the typical Lyme issues, last week I got to add on an excruciating weekend of severe abdominal pain. After spending almost 5 hours doing tests at the hospital, it was determined that it was probably either a kidney stone or a problem with my birth control. Just because I didn't have enough going on right now. And, not surprisingly, a time with this much stress and uncertainty puts a great deal of strain on my marriage, enough so that I will probably get to add marriage counselling to my list of things to do very soon.

It's times like this when I find myself most prone to just lying on the couch staring at the ceiling and asking God, "Why?" I don't understand where grace is in all of this. I know that this is temporary and maybe eventually I will look back and understand. Right now I'm just hoping I can figure out how to make it until then.