Unexpected Blessings

One of the best and the most frustrating things about living with an illness like this is never really knowing what's going to happen next. Like yesterday, in the middle of a pretty average day I suddenly looked down at my fuzzy slippers on the floor and would swear I saw them moving. They would grow and shrink and wiggle back and forth... it was probably just something weird with my eyes trying to focus (a common problem I have) but I'd have to say hallucinations like that are not one of my normal symptoms!

More pervasively, it frustrates me immensely that I can't ever seem to count on anything, or look forward to anything, because I never know how I'm going to be feeling that day. My hubby asked me this morning what my plan was for the day, a perfectly common and innocent question, but it got me reflecting on how little I plan much of anything anymore. When I do, it is almost exclusively with things that are incredibly important to me. I never commit to anything very far in advance; I rarely invite people over except at the last minute; I don't make mental lists of things I want to get done the next day, or week, or month. I'm sure this isn't unusual for many people--I am married to a person who hates to plan ahead unless absolutely necessary!--but for me this is incredibly unusual. I plan everything. I live by my lists and schedules. I had a serious identity crisis when I graduated college and realized that my life didn't come with a syllabus anymore. :-p But now, planning ahead = added stress. Even the things I have to look forward to become a "project" to figure out how I'm going to make sure I will have the energy and motivation to make it happen. I have to rearrange my whole week, try to adjust my sleep schedule for a few days, make sure I give myself enough time to rest beforehand and afterward, give myself space to prepare emotionally for being around people or in an unfamiliar environment. All the while knowing that even if I do all of this I still might wake up that day feeling exhausted or moody for no good reason at all and all my striving will have been in vain.

On the other hand, I am slowly starting to learn what a blessing it can be--the not knowing. As someone who, by nature, tends to plan, prepare, and prioritize everything, it is a good exercise in faith to suddenly have my own life spin wildly out of my control. I am getting such a crash course in reliance in every possible way--reliance on God, on other people, on everything but my own abilities. I am forced to learn to trust that even in the face of complete uncertainty things will somehow eventually be okay. If nothing else, this lesson is revolutionizing my marriage! For someone like me, it is a truly terrifying thing to try and hand over responsibility for important life issues to another person, especially a person who has a shockingly different approach to handling things than I would. Learning to trust that there are other people out there who are equally capable of accomplishing things is not a lesson I thought I needed to learn until I came face to face with the reality that I was NOT as capable as I used to be. And though it is painful at times, it is a beautiful thing to look into the eyes of another person and say "I trust you to take care of this for me" and to look back and realize they are doing a great job after all.