Why This is Here

Every end must have a beginning. This is a beginning that exists to foster hope in the end. I have realized recently how many people in my life know so little about me. Other than a small community of friends and family members, most people know nothing of the health problems I have dealt with over the last several years. Only a small handful are acquainted with the details. I'm sure it doesn't help that I try to hard to maintain a semblance of normalcy. There can be comfort in having people that don't know--people around whom I can pretend, even if only for a minute, that I really am like normal people. On the other hand, I am learning there is also extreme loneliness in knowing that much of your life is a facade and no one knows it. Even when it isn't intentional, the image most people have of me is what I look like on a good day, when I am smiling because days like that are rare and I am energetic because I've been saving it up so I could have that one day out of bed. Certainly some degree of unauthenticity just comes with the territory--is anyone really open with their true selves, struggles and all?--but I want to do better. Moreover, I want to give the friends and family members in my life who would like to know the truth an opportunity to get it even when I don't have the energy or the desire to explain it over and over again. At it's heart though, this blog is mostly for myself. It is a way for me to record and remember the way it feels to be battling an unknown, debilitating disease. It is a way to let a future me look back and appreciate what I have come through and a way to remind the present me that a future awaits when all this will be over. Hopefully it will be inspiring and not just depressing. I want to share my story so that people, including myself, can see how much hope and joy there is to be had in the world. I pray that my vulnerability will mean something to someone. I also invite anyone who reads this to ask questions if you are interested or post comments if you also have something to share. May this bring us all one step closer to more open and honest lives.

God bless us.