Sinner's Prayer

I am bitter today. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I am so completely fed up with everything right now.

I feel like this week I took a huge step backwards health-wise. I know it's probably just normal ups and downs of the process, but it's so discouraging to feel like you are starting to get something under control, even if it isn't perfect, and suddenly find everything falling apart again. I am solidly back in the realm of not sleeping again. The last couple days have been particularly stupid. My insomnia has been getting worse and worse every day this week, until finally on Thursday night I couldn't sleep at all until 6am (friday morning). Consequently, on Friday I didn't wake up until 6pm!!! It is not at all unusual anymore for me to sleep till 1 or 2 in the afternoon, but 6 is just absurd if you ask me. Partly in effort to "reset" my internal clock, and partly in desperate hopes of finding a way I could possibly make it to church this morning, I decided to just stay up all night Friday and all day Saturday so I could be completely exhausted by early Saturday night and fall asleep at a normal time. Before people think I sound completely out of my mind, this stay-awake-for-20-some-hours approach is thus far the only way I've successfully managed to get myself back into normal sleep patterns for any amount of time in the past. So I mentally pretended that the 6pm when I woke up was actually 6am and lived my friday in the middle of the night. By Saturday at noon I literally could not even move, so I let myself take a short 2 hour nap and then was up and ready to go again. I went out to see the Muppets Movie w/ my hubby that evening to try to keep myself awake for those last few hours of the day, and then promptly went to bed by 11pm. I was exhausted! My head felt fuzzy, my muscles were gone, and my eyes could barely stay open. And still, as I lay there in bed, I could NOT fall asleep. I lay there, eyes closed and completely motionless, for almost an hour, completely conscious for every minute of it. I turned on the tv for a few minutes, hoping it would help my mind wind down. Soon, I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, so I turned it off and lay quiet again. Still sleep would not come. It was almost 2:30 before I finally fell asleep. After over 30 hours with no sleep except the brief 2 hour nap that afternoon, my body still could not find the peace to rest.

Of course, the next morning (this morning) as my alarms for church were ringing persistently in my ear, it was then that my body finally decided it was time to rest. I could not move a muscle. Every ounce of energy I could muster went into hitting the snooze button in hopes that the next 10 minutes would somehow bring the miracle of energy and movement. It's been over a month since I've been to church and I feel like my soul is starving for worship and community. I hate how much power my physical body has to dictate my actions instead of being guided by my values and choices. I can tell there is a spiritual war going on inside me as well as a physical battle. And I think that in both cases, though the right side is persevering overall, the battle is causing devastating side effects. Tears streamed down my face as I finally had to face the fact that I wasn't going to make it to church again this week. After trying so hard and pushing myself so far, I still wasn't strong enough to live the life I want to have.

It is in moments like this when the deep sort of despair sets in. As if it wasn't hard enough to be constantly faced with my own weakness and insufficiency, moments like this are when I can't help but ask, "where is God in this?" I can usually come to terms with the fact of my illness--we live in a sinful world and still God uses it to teach reliance on Him--and I can even get over having to make sacrifices in my career and my friendships--these things are blessings, luxuries, and it is not for me to say what I deserve. But I really struggle with things like inability to go to church, join a small group, or volunteer with ministries. Things that are bigger than just me, and things that my spirit so desperately craves. Things that bring glory to God and grace to others. Do I just lack the faith that God will supply the strength to do His work? Or does He really allow those goods to be sacrificed because of my fallen body? Most days it feels more like the latter.

Of course, these deep, dark moments are when the demons strike hardest. Today has been one of those days where it seems that everything that could possibly go badly does. I have detox rashes breaking out all over my body, causing uncontrollable itching almost everywhere. My muscles are so weak it has taken me over 4 hours to write this, because my fingers move so slowly and I can only hold my head up to write for very short bursts of time. I have not been able to get off the couch all day except with extreme effort and pain. Speaking of pain, for the last 2 hours I've had shooting pains through my abdomen, lower back, and neck. It is like a cramp or muscle spasm except it never stops, ever. My head is throbbing, my eyes go in and out of focus every few minutes, and every so often I just zone out, completely and totally unaware of anything around me. In the really bad moments, which come and go, even the feeling of my clothes against my skin send shivers through my body and prickling pain across my skin.

These are the times when I want to hide. No one who hasn't experienced days like this can understand. I try to close my eyes until it's all over and pretend it doesn't happen. No one wants to hear about the bad times. But this is part of it. This is what living with a chronic debilitating disease looks like. This is my life. I can't hide from it anymore. So forgive me for venting and spewing my misery all over you. This is the only way I know to force myself to acknowledge it, to face it, and to deal with it.

Lord, heal my bitter heart and my broken body. Make me into an image of Your Grace and Truth.
Amen.