In the Moment

I've been reflecting this week on how much this disease is teaching me to live one day, one moment, at a time. I am not by nature an "in the moment" kind of person. I am a planner. I am very future oriented in general. My day-to-day pleasures include things like looking at my calendar several times a day and committing to memory important upcoming events, or browsing apartment listings in areas where we might someday be living. Yes, I do these things for fun. :-P

I am also very past-oriented. I am extraordinarily sentimental. When I daydream, I am almost always re-living past experiences in my head. Whether it's remembering fond experiences from my childhood or mentally rehashing my most recent conversation to consider what I wish I had done differently, I spend a lot of time thinking about things that have already happened.

I believe that either one of these tendencies can become unhealthy--becoming obsessed with the future so much that I see no joy in the present or so absorbed in my past that I don't want to move on. But in general I think I successfully avoid these pitfalls. I don't deny, ignore, or resent my present; I just don't really think about it much. I remember I once described myself to my husband as someone who is in the present merely by default, because I am straddling it with one leg in the past and one in the future.

This week especially, I find myself robbed of this position. I've had a rather odd combination of symptoms this week in that my energy level has been fairly good and my emotional fluctuations are mostly under control but I've been particularly struggling with my mental acuity. This afternoon, for the first time in my life, I literally could not remember my own name for several minutes. I can take in information and process it for a few minutes at a time and then it is just gone. I have had to write down ALL important information during the day, such as the exact times I eat or take my medication, because otherwise I won't be able to remember when it's time for the next dose, even though the last one was only 30 min ago. Before I got into this habit, there were several times when I would look up at the clock to see if it was time for more and find myself completely at a loss--unable to remember if I had eaten anything, drank anything, or taken anything all day. I know people often joke about not being able to remember what they had for breakfast, but let me tell you it is a singularly bizarre experience to really not be able to remember ANYTHING that has happened to you all day!

Much as I hope this goes away soon, I will say it has given me a new appreciation for the small moments God gives us. It can be freeing not to be constrained by feelings of what I am "supposed" to be doing that day (because I simply can't remember whatever it was I had hoped to get done) and to just ask myself in each moment, "what do I want right now?" In an inexplicable way, I almost feel like I can sense God's presence more strongly minute by minute than I can when I am so focused on trying to put all the pieces together myself. I have to trust that, even though I can't remember where I just came from or anticipate where I am going, He is leading me moment by moment to right where I need to be. I miss being able to see the big picture. There are other unique blessings that come through being able to observe from past through future the ways God works that I miss out on when my scope of vision is so small. But for someone like me, who really struggles to simply be present in the present, I think this is a lesson I need to learn.